Boundaries & Reflections
How far do we go in asserting ourselves and our needs? How much do we open up and how much do we let in?
A friend once responded to me with, “I’m not responsible for your feelings” during an argument when I was expressing some feelings he triggered in me. I was hurting at that moment and his response made me feel even worse. What the argument was about doesn’t matter anymore after struggling for a long time trying to figure out the right balance between being considerate of someone else’s feelings while also not ignoring my own.
For many “people pleasers,” this can be something we struggle with every moment of our lives to no end. I’ve concluded for myself that such a balance is irrelevant. The problem is framed incorrectly here. My friend was right. What he meant was that everyone is responsible for their feelings and no one else’s. This is different than holding someone else accountable for their actions. Our feelings are triggered by our own beliefs and thoughts, not by the actions of others. We have specific beliefs about the actions of others, which in turn trigger feelings within us and drive our behaviour.
Does this mean it’s wrong to express our feelings? No, it’s the opposite. However, our feelings should not be the only thing we express. That’s simply lashing out like a child. If we are negatively triggered by someone’s actions we first need to evaluate whether our beliefs are justified and reasonable. Most people (myself included) habitually skip over this step and assign the actions of others as the trigger. We can choose to address the issues around accountability after we’ve properly assessed our own beliefs. Our beliefs are built upon our past experiences. Those past experiences may not be applicable anymore and therefore those beliefs are no longer valid.
Often an honest and non-judgmental conversation helps greatly in re-aligning the beliefs of both parties. This is what true reconciliation is. This also changes the problem from an impossible one of balancing two competing priorities (zero-sum situation) to one of bringing both parties on the same page in terms of beliefs and feelings (win-win situation). If there is no commonality to be found then both parties can go their separate ways knowing why, and perhaps use that knowledge of themselves in their other relationships.
Conversely, when there are positive feelings involved, this process of reflection and expression can serve to reinforce and nurture stronger relationships. We all need to be reminded to do this more.
Regrettably, this friend and I haven’t spoken in a few years through a fault of my own. The truth of the matter is, I could very much use his counsel these days. I hope the universe will lead our paths together once again someday.
Related Articles By Richard Ragnarson, MD, Psychiatrist:
- Cognitive Journaling: A Systematic Method to Overcome Negative Beliefs
- True Positivity: a Systematic Method from Cognitive Psychology to find Positivity and Meaning in Your Own Experiences
