A Contemplative History of Disconnection, Yearning and The Endless Search
Many hours of pondering about what we do from the moment we open our eyes to the moment we close them have led me to some musings I’d like to share.
When and where there is nothing there is also everything. There is no time or space, only energy.
When and where there is order and chaos, there is matter and motion respectively. Simultaneously and concurrently, there is space-time and equilibrium.
Matter further complicates into inorganic and organic forms that make up the universe and all things living as we know it. Still, the equilibrium of space-time is ensured by entropy.
As living things, we consume when we hunger. We hunger when we desire. What we desire is to live on. We live on to grow, replicate, propagate and procreate. However, death is equilibrium via entropy, but so is our fear in response.
The desire for life and fear of death gives a bias to intelligence. In its most rudimentary form, intelligence pushes the boundaries of life against death.
Intelligence complicates and self-replicates as the desire for life and fear of death push harder and further against entropy. We gain the ability to resist our fits of hunger in favour of our ultimate desires and fears. We can do this because we “know better”. We know better because our intelligence allows us to simulate. We simulate possibilities for things we desire besides life and ways to obtain them all. Still, entropy pushes back with an eternal steadfastness, but so does fear.
Our simulations allow us to see and understand ourselves beyond simple hunger, and the present moment. We no longer live to simply live, nor die to simply die. We live (and die) with meaning created by infinite possibilities across space and time, but our desires and fears remain the same. These ancient and primal feelings tether us to the present and still drive our hunger, but now they also drive our simulations.
The greater these simulations get, the further away they take us from the present. What began as a tool to push the boundaries of life against death has now taken us away from life itself. Entropy continues to ensure equilibrium, and still so does fear. However, our primal desire for life is now trapped within our simulations spreading everywhere except here, making our hunger for life and beyond ever more insatiable.
The boundary between life and death is now disconnected by an infinite chasm with swirling pools of simulations run by desires and fears. This chasm is what we call consciousness.
In other words, consciousness is born out of disconnect and by nature yearns for re-connection, also because of entropy. You see, entropy isn’t just about chaos and order. It is about balance and chance. When we hold, it releases. When we speed up, it slows. When we attract, it repels. When we remain still, it surprises us.
Therefore entropy which has seemed to be our eternal enemy is something else altogether. We are made from entropy itself, fighting it is just fighting ourselves. The more we want to be anything other than who we are, the harder it is to become anything. If we accept death, loss and disconnect as they are when they happen, then entropy will flow us back toward life, abundance, and connection.
When we yearn, we search. When we search, we disconnect. When we disconnect we yearn even more. This is the trap of consciousness (as we know it).
Everything we know is bound within this chasm of disconnect. It is our very nature, and so the very fabric of what we are made of is this yearning to reconnect. However, if the search is endless why continue? It is who we are. This is why life is about the journey and not about the destination.
The journey is always the same. The same turns, winding paths, and ups and downs are travelled over and over again because they differ by where we choose to begin. We may be going in circles, but a circle has infinite starting points and thus infinite destinations. We cannot escape this no matter how hard we try, or how enlightened we may think we are.
However, we can take breaks now and then. To do that we must stop being ourselves. We must learn to let go of our consciousness and our thoughts. When we can do that, we find the feeling of true connection. In those moments, there is no desire for life nor fear of death or any other duality. When we are willing to cast away all of our feelings of wanting, we become nothing, and thus everything. This is what some call “awakening”.
Enlightenment or awakening changes nothing while everything at the same time. The endless search continues. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be life. Simultaneously what changes everything is knowing and feeling that this disconnection is only temporary and fleeting.
Knowing this not just as a concept but through full experience allows us to be able to detach ourselves from unhealthy fixations and patterns when we need to. Likewise, it allows us to see the value in who we are and what we have. This kind of awareness that allows us to be both trapped and free of our individuality is the only way we can “have our cake and eat it too”. So live life to the fullest knowing you’re never alone, not because there are others with you but because there is ultimately no “you” nor “them”.
Note: I’m a visual learner and so many of my thoughts and ideas come in the form of images like the one below.
